Being Me

In a class I'm taking at Boston College, we've been talking a lot about our identities and what attributes or "jobs" in life define us. I love that here in Jamaica I'm none of those things. It doesn't matter at all what I do for work, how much money I have in my 401K, if my makeup is applied correctly (because it's been replaced by a dirt film covering my skin). None of that matters to the kids, nor our teammates here. It's the most freeing act to let go of the expectations of me. It's humbling and empowering. It's a simple yet stark realization to say, "I'm a full human without my job, apartment, dinners out, or particular brands of clothing." In Kingston, I'm charged to be emotional and make deep connections with people.

I'm not contained in a clean-cut, little box. I'm free to take direction from males, be a minority, and objectively see situations without judgement. For example, is it really "better" to have financial skills than know how to lay tile or what fruits to eat off a tree? Or on a more difficult level, is it "better" to live in a stark white, clean apartment than a shanti hut with no shower?

I'm no saint. Trust me, I'll be relieved to be mosquito-bite free and and be able to run a brush through my hair again. But here's what I'll be lacking: waking up with friends in the morning; making time for reflection on the day; watching the sky light up over the mountains; open arms from strangers, begging for hugs. I'll miss knowing that it's enough to just be me - without all the things I pile on to make me appear "better."

If you let yourself be open and vulnerable here, this is what you learn: you're enough. Just you. Bring nothing else except you, and it is better than enough - to make a little difference but more importantly, to be loved. I think that that's why I keep returning. I haven't gotten it perfect yet, but the act of letting it all go and letting yourself be loved - by your teammates, local guys in the field, or little Stefan - the newest addition to Sophie's Place, who just wants hugs all day and night. These simple acts become the essence of everything important. It's a compact week of truth and oneness to take home and keep in our pockets to pull out and distribute to others throughout the year.

~ Julie #1 (3rd Year Mission Tripper)